Tuesday, August 31, 2010

top eight things you didn't know about roller derby

  1. the roots of roller derby go back as far as 1884, when roller skaters would compete in endurance races that sometimes lasted over ten hours. sometimes, people even died. it was very, very dangerous.
  2. in the 1930s, they brought in elbows. and violence. and people liked it.
  3. roller derby kind of died in the 1970s, but now it's back, thanks to an indie, grassroots revival by a bunch of kickass chicks like my sister and her friends:

    it might look like you could knock her over with a finger, but she is freakishly strong! she used to beat me up when we were kids. true story.

  4. roller derby girls get to have cool names like ann t. maim and cleosmackya. if i were a roller derby girl, my name would be quarter poundher! cause that's what the random name generator told me. also, i like mcdonald's.
  5. you can be a jammer, a pivot, or a blocker, depending on whether you are fast or tough. i, being neither fast nor tough, will be what is known in the biz as a "fan."
  6. it is possibly the only sport where wearing fishnets is actually encouraged. as opposed to, say, hockey, where it is mostly frowned upon. sorry, ovechkin!
  7. i take full responsibility for erin's roller skating abilities, thanks to a little game we used to play called "apple," which involved an evil villain called "the fruit catcher" who would chase around little fruits on roller skates and try to make them into fruit salad (if you didn't want to get caught by the fruit catcher, all you had to do was stop skating, crouch down and cover your head, at which point, the fruit catcher would tap you on the shoulder and say "excuse me, have you seen mr. apple?" (it was always mr.) and you'd say "uh, i think he went that way!" and when the fruit catcher skated away, you would jump up and scream "haha, fooled you, i'm mr. apple!" and then the chase would resume. it was a sophisticated game of psychological warfare, you guys).
  8. anyone can be a roller derby girl! so if you live in halifax, go to the commons and push erin around a little. consider it a favour to me.

Monday, August 30, 2010

notes from tv

after shark week and sytycd, summer tv viewing really just starts to blow. but don't panic, you guys! i totally still found some stuff to watch.
  1. i missed most of the emmys (i really, REALLY want to type "emmies." just saying.) due to stuffing my face and singlehandedly battling hornets at a family dinner, and also, let's face it, because i have a pvr, totally forgetting that they were on, and basically ended up only getting to see the miniseries/made-for-tv movie portion, which, let's also face it, who really cares. but i DID get to see the tribute to all the dead actors, which made me all choked up even though it was set to a vomit-inducing song by jewel (am i allowed to call a song that someone wrote for their friend with cancer "vomit-inducing"? i am seriously going to hell). and we were like "clearly they are saving rue mclanahan for last," because the golden girls are so hot right now. and then there was rue mclanahan, and we were like, okay, it's over, but then there is a picture of captain phil harris. and i'm like, okay, he was obviously on the deadliest catch, maybe he died at sea or something. but then afterward i looked it up and he actually had a stroke, which, yeah, it's really sad and everything, but i just don't know if it's really a worthy followup to rue mclanahan. also, um, dennis hopper died? wow. i need to start reading perez hilton again or something.
  2. also, in case you were wondering (and moving on from dead people, wow), modern family won best comedy, which i know i should have an opinion on, but i don't. i did watch the show for the first time the other day and thought it was funny, but not, like, mindblowing funny, although i think it might be one of those shows you have to watch a lot and get to know the characters before you can love it.
  3. also, speaking of the golden girls, HOW FUNNY IS THAT SHOW STILL!? ever since cory and i stumbled onto a golden girls marathon in while we were in duluth, i basically watch reruns any time i can. and yeah, i'm on the betty white bandwagon for sure (i even watched hot in cleveland because she was on it--not once, but twice. shudder.) but there's a reason there's a betty white bandwagon: she is fucking funny.
  4. rebecca rosenblum also thinks that show is funny. but she also thinks that mad about you was funny, so you can't really trust her opinion. (just kidding, rebecca! trusting you and hating paul reiser do not have to be mutually exclusive).
  5. i know i'm a week late, but after missing most of the good parts of the emmys, i went back and watched the miss universe pageant on the pvr (after cory found out who won, he didn't want to watch it any more. like THE SHEER DRAMATIC ANTICIPATION OF FINDING OUT WHO WINS is the reason he would watch it in the first place). so in case you also have it pvr'd (pverd just looks weird, okay) SPOLIER ALERT: miss mexico wins. but when you watch the show and you look at the other contestants, you're like, duh, obviously. sigh. i don't really know what i want to say about this, other than the fact that bret michaels hosted and criss angel was one of the judges. oh, and when asked (by daniel baldwin!) what mistake she had made in the past, and what steps she did to correct it, one of the girls said "i have never made a mistake in my life. THANK YOU VEGAS!" oh, and then cory told me i could be miss broadway which, given the competition on our street (like his mom!) i don't take lightly at all. THANK YOU VEGAS!
  6. this show is awesome. although we only watched one episode--about the giant cruise ship--i totally want to watch the others. especially the one on the uss nimitz, cause i was on that ship once! and it was pretty mighty.
  7. i would basically die without the food network. like, i will basically watch anything as long as it's on channel 49. even bitchin kitchen, which, like a bus crash or an avril lavigne video, is so horrible i can't look away from it (seriously, i know it looks like something i would be all over, which kind of makes me hate it even more. i mean, a sexy, rock and roll cooking show? it should be AMAZING! instead it's like, holy crap, could you try any harder? and we all know that trying is basically the opposite of sexy and rock and roll). /rant
  8. so you think you can dance canada was on EVERY NIGHT FOR A WEEK! and even though they spent, like, five minutes in halifax, like they always do (and at a theatre that i didn't even know existed! i had to google it), and even though mary murphy has apparently become a permanent fixture (explaining, somewhat, her absence from the american show--thanks a lot, america), and even though leah miller still looks like the joker, i'm pretty excited about it.
  9. oh, and the best part of watching all these BIG TV EVENTS is that you get to see all the previews for all the upcoming shows. i'm kind of excited to see outsourced, mostly because i have a total soft spot for call centre workers. also, i'm going to have to get all excited about watching the event, watch the first episode and FREAK OUT BECAUSE IT IS SO FUCKING GOOD AND OMG I'M GOING TO DIE BEFORE NEXT WEEK I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NOW! and then the next week totally forget to pvr it and then because i've missed one episode, i can't watch the next one, and then i'll promise myself i'll download those two episodes and then i'll play some more virtua tennis and before you know it it's four months later and i can't even remember what happened on the first episode and i'll realize that i don't really care about what happens. like, maybe i care enough to look up the plot summary on wikipedia but not enough to actually download and watch the episodes. SOUND FAMILIAR, FLASH FOWARD?!?
  10. i'm also super excited about my favourite shows coming back! like community! WHO WILL JEFF WINGER CHOOSE!? cory and i have been arguing about it all summer. okay, fine. we argued about it for thirty seconds on the couch tonight. but seriously, it seemed endless. also, the answer is annie.

Friday, August 27, 2010

things you didn't know about halifax

  1. we also invented time travel.
picnicface is really funny, right? you should help them make their movie. but back off, i'm totally going to be "key shark puncher."

Monday, August 23, 2010

top ten things you need to know about steel venom

"the scariest roller coaster i've ridden all year" - amy jones, roller coaster freak and not afraid of anything except raccoons

  1. so remember when i wrote about all the things i was going to do at valleyfair! on our trip to minneapolis? well, i sadly didn't get to eat a deep-fried oreo on a stick (in true cedar fair style, it was basically impossible to get anything from any of the food vendors in under three and a half fucking hours, so after the pork chop on a stick, we basically gave up, although i think i made up for it with all the other crap i ate on the trip), but i did get to go on a bunch of kickass roller coasters, including STEEL VENOM.
  2. it is a steel inverted impulse coaster with one vertical spiral. what this means is that you hang under the track, the way you do on flight deck, and that it blasts you off into a straight vertical corkscrew, then lets you go back down backwards through the starting area and back up another straight vertical climb on the other end. it kind of looks like a pair of horns, if one of the horns was all screwy.
  3. since vallyfair! was open until midnight the day we were there, we decided to take a breather in the middle of the day, go back to the hotel and nap and eat and stuff, then go back later, and that we would save steel venom until we got back.
  4. so it was dark by the time we got around to steel venom. the good thing about this was, the line only took about fifteen minutes.
  5. we decided to go in the middle because i think cory was too scared to go in the front.
  6. when i said it blasts you off, i mean IT FUCKING BLASTS YOU OFF! the first time we went on, they counted down to blast off, so at least we were expecting it. the second time for some reason they were all like, whatever, who needs a countdown? NOT US!
  7. the forward part was super awesome, like, you're lying back and facing the sky and being propelled upwards and i imagine if you were in the front you could see all the stars and planets and the whole entire universe.
  8. going backwards was SCARY! first , you plummet back down, which is fine, then you race through the loading area, which is fine, then suddenly you're jerked back at a ninety degree angle and you're hanging by your shoulder restraints and facing the ground.
  9. then you blast through and do the whole thing again, and then you blast through and do the whole thing again, except this time when you get to the top of the back spiral, IT FUCKING BRAKES and bounces you in your harness and sure, if you had read the wikipedia page before you went on it you would know that or even if you had been paying attention when you were watching the other riders before you, you would know and be prepared for it, OR, you could be like me and HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN and then when you feel the breaks screech think HOLY FUCK THIS ROLLER COASTER JUST BROKE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

  10. you can't tell, but those people are all peeing their pants right now

  11. and then you get to the bottom and you're laughing hysterically but also like WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED and cory's laughing at you being all like, whatever, i totally knew that was going to happen, didn't you? and then you're like WE HAVE TO GO ON THAT AGAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. oh, and then later there was fireworks. BEST. DAY. EVER.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

how to make vietnamese salad rolls in thunder bay

as the astute among you might notice, this is not a vietnamese salad roll

  1. realize, after seeing a picture of vietnamese salad rolls on foodgawker and deciding that you NEED TO HAVE THEM RIGHT NOW OR DEATH, that no, actually, there aren't any vietnamese restaurants in thunder bay, thank you very much internet for telling me, and if you want them that fucking badly you're going to have to make them yourself.
  2. decide that this is a good thing, nay, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS about living in thunder bay: the fact that living here basically forces you into a state of pure ingenuity, revealing this totally kick-ass, self-sufficient side of you that you never knew was there.
  3. spirits high and thunderbucks card in hand, drive to a&p to buy supplies. walk around the store for fifteen minutes before realizing a&p does not, in fact, sell rice paper wrappers (or unsalted peanuts, but this is another list for another day).
  4. weigh your options. decide that the gas and frustration of driving to another grocery store, even the safeway a few blocks away, is definitely not worth the teeny, tiny chance that they might actually carry the item in question (also, like a true thunder-bay-ite, the thought of driving ALL THE WAY TO INTERCITY or worse, TO PORT FUCKING ARTHUR, is basically the most ridiculous thing you have ever considered. i mean, it's like AT LEAST FIFTEEN MINUTES ON THE HIGHWAY and it's totally rush hour SO MAYBE EVEN TWENTY). (also, ps, what the hell are people from thunder bay called? "thunder-bay-ite" sounds kind of ridiculous. not like "haligonian" sounds any less ridiculous, but at least everyone knows what it means. not even the internet can tell me what people who live here are called).
  5. notice that a&p does, in fact, sell egg roll wrappers. think, hey, what the hell, i can use these to make samosas--another thing that i love so very much and am quite positive i am totally unable to get in thunder bay.
  6. realize that this is a good thing, nay, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS about living in thunder bay: the fact that living here basically forces you to become adaptable, to reveal this totally laid-back, go-with-the-flow side of you that you didn't even know existed. (okay, fine, i was pretty much like that before. which is why, i suppose, i was able to so easily adapt to living here in the first place! well, that and the pvr).
  7. stop at the garden on the way home and grab some potatoes. realize that this is also ONE OF THE BEST THINGS about living in thunder bay: FREE POTATOES.
  8. go home. make samosas. eat samosas. be happy.

oh, yeah, free fennel, too.

i was far less disturbed by the little holes in the wrapper of the tenth samosa than i was by the fact that it disrupted my little pattern on the wax paper


Saturday, August 21, 2010

top one internet hoax that i believed of the day: a dialogue

  1. me: oh, hey, i saw this totally gross thing on the internet today.
    cory:oh yeah what was it?
    me: it was a kfc skinwich! you know, like a sandwich made of kfc skin?
    cory: uh, and was it real?
    me: yes, of course it was real! THERE WERE PICTURES AND EVERYTHING!
    cory: right. just like there were pictures of the great-white-shark-eating shark.
    me: fuck you. it was real.

    several minutes later, after doing some indignant research

    me: okay, it wasn't real.
    cory: this is my shocked face.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

retail etiquette for dummies

contrary to what people may think, i am not one of those bitchy checkout girls who barely acknowledges your existence and only speaks to you in monosyllabic grunts. although i can't claim to love my job, i do actually kind of like people, or, at least, find them interesting, and no matter what i think of you in the inside of my judgey little mind, basically i would prefer to be outwardly nice to you. but holy crap, you guys sometimes make it SO HARD.
  1. for the love of god, DO NOT COME UP TO THE CASH REGISTER TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE. i am not a fucking vending machine that requires a series of button presses to dispense your goods and your change. i am a REAL PERSON, and i am going to have to ask you questions that you are going to have to answer, and i am not going to stop and wait for you to finish your conversation in order to do that. i'm just going to keep talking to you like i am a REAL PERSON and then probably double charge you for your plastic bag, or make sure the little beepy tag is still on your merchandise so you set off the alarms when you leave BECAUSE THAT'S ABOUT ALL I CAN DO.
  2. don't try to talk to me about how evil you think the giant corporation i work for is. yeah, i know it's evil. everyone knows it's evil. the thing is, YOU CAN SHOP ANYWHERE. i, as it has become painfully obvious, cannot work anywhere. and as much as i would like to commiserate with you about said evil corporation, i can't, because, well, the corporation is evil and they don't give a shit about me and would fire me in a second if they heard me badmouthing them and they probably will because they likely have little recording devices inside every cash drawer or whatever, or at least spies stationed around the store listening for the slightest hint of dissent. so seriously. instead of providing me with solidarity, you're really just making me defend a company that i likely despise. not cool.
  3. do talk to me about the weather. i love it! it's the one thing that everyone has in common, it's okay to have an opinion on it, and it shows that you actually recognize me as a fellow human being. ditto for talking about the temperature in the store, how busy the parking lot is, or how you prefer the old swipey method to the new chip credit cards, because you really don't want to have to remember another pin number. you know what? ME TOO! other small-talk topics are okay, but there's a really good chance that no, i don't know who the bachelorette should pick on the finale and sure, the local baseball team is probably doing very well, i really couldn't say.
  4. don't look at me like i'm an idiot if i ask you for your phone number, email address, or postal code for some special promotion going on, because a) it's not my fucking idea to ask you and b) i'd rather not be asking you and c) i get in trouble if i don't ask you. also, no, i am not going to personally use the information to a) sell to other companies or b) give to my coworkers or c) stalk you at your place of residence. i am going to enter your information in the computer and then promptly forget it. and if you don't want to give it, then just say no.
  5. it's also not my idea to charge you five cents for a bag, okay? i am just a salesgirl. i don't make the rules.
  6. don't stand there in front of me after i've given you your change and count it, or examine your receipt for mistakes. it hurts my feelings! i know i occasionally screw up, but would it hurt to just move away from the counter while check? i'll acknowledge my mistake if you come back, i promise.
  7. do wash at least once a week if you are going to go out in public. here's a hint: if the salesperson who is helping you find something keeps leaning away from you while you are talking to them, or suddenly turns super pale and starts making little gagging noises, chances are you've let it go too long.
  8. if you ask me a question about something i don't know the answer to, or ask me to do something that i'm not authorized to do, i will find someone who can. it doesn't mean that i am an moron or that i don't know how to do my job, it's just that you've likely asked me something that isn't part of my job. there's no need to treat me like i just got off the short bus.
  9. people who say "thank you" make me really, really happy. it's like the shiny little bright spot in my otherwise potentially dreary day. smiling helps, too.
  10. i also kind of really like it when you use my name. i used to actually really hate it--it always made me feel like, "hey, fuck off, you don't know me" and seemed so super condescending to call me by my name when i don't even know yours. but then i realized, hey, i guess i kind of do know your name, and i could use it if i really wanted. and you wouldn't call a vending machine by it's name. well, unless it was a vending machine called steve or something.

Monday, August 16, 2010

top one awesome video of the day

in which amy meets some friendly barnyard creatures, and contemplates stealing a goat.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

things riley would say if this happened

"Hey, what's up, guys? Yeah, I'm just floating here by the ceiling. That's cool. What's going on in the front seat? I like hanging out with you guys. You guys are the best."

daily dose of listalgia

in which heather and amy decide what to eat while they should be paying attention:

ps. yes, that does say "linner." also, no to slurpees. wtf!? she's so mean.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

top ten things we ate in america

dear america,

for years, the people on television have been telling me you have an obesity problem. i've seen your jenny craig commercials and your half-tonne teenagers and your biggest losers (well, actually, i haven't... but my pvr guide button tells me they are out there). and now, i understand why. america, STOP MAKING SUCH DELICIOUS JUNK FOOD! and while you're at it, you can also nix the unlimited pasta bowls and all-you-can-eat buffets and ridiculously ginormous restaurant portions. seriously, on my way back from visiting your lovely country, i was basically scared the border guards weren't going to let me back into canada without declaring the TWENTY POUNDS I GAINED FROM EATING YOUR FUCKING FOOD. so unless you want me stuck in your country forever, riding around on a motorized scooter and buying two seats on an airplane, please, for the love of god, learn how to make a salad. and preferably one without bacon and blue cheese.

love, amy
  1. olive garden - remember when i said i wished we had an olive garden? well, i take it back, because if there was one in thunder bay, i would eat there every day and die and my death would be declared a suicide because i would still be stuffing breadsticks down my throat while my internal organs were shutting down. this time, it was cory's birthday lunch so it was a special occasion, and we had two bowls of salad and like, five breadsticks and some crazy sugary drinks before our pasta even made it to the table. then we walked around the mall like two roly-poly carb-balls and moaned a lot. but it was worth it!
  2. blackwoods grill - we eat at blackwoods pretty much every time we are in duluth, mostly because their burgers are amazing and come with waffle fries, but also because they have curbside pick up and they are right across the street from our hotel (we always stay at the same hotel in duluth because, duh, it has an indoor water park). and even though we were still super full from olive garden, we couldn't not order from blackwoods. and so went burger numbers one and two, eaten on the hotel bed while watching shark week. yay, america!
  3. icees - icees are the greatest cold drinks ever in the history of the world. even better than slurpees, and you know i would not say something like that lightly. we got to have two totally different and yet totally delicious icees:

    wild cherry pepsi icee at target

    yard of cherry-lemonade icee at valleyfair!

    we forgot to bring that yard back to valleyfair! when we went back to get a refill, but it was okay filled up with ice and water when we got home and were totally dehydrated, you know, from the pounds and pounds of sugar in those icees.
  4. white castle - look at my white castle castle!

    empty, of course

    okay, so it's not all that impressive, but neither are the little burgers, when you first look at them. and neither, come to think of it, is the white castle in hinckley, which is actually in a gas station, and has no seats other than a little counter with, like, four stools crammed in next to the garbage can. also, we basically ate the burgers too fast to take a picture. but the little orange ones were cheeseburgers, and the little blue ones were jalapeno cheeseburgers. we also had a cherry coke.!
  5. chipotle - i first heard of chipotle when i read about it in newsweek. okay, fine, when i read about it on newsweek's website when i was searching the internet for the best celebrity feuds of the decade or whatever for my best of the best ofs list. then i basically forgot all about it until we got to the mall of america and we were sort of hungry but sort of not but knew that we had to eat something before the national show (did i mention we went to the national show?) and then like a beacon of light on the other side of the food court, there was chipotle.

    and all the bags say something different! just like taco bell hot sauce!

    yeah, so it's locally sourced and sustainable and blah blah blah, but it's also delicious (huh, who knew?) and the burritos are gigantic. i didn't even finish mine! i did bring it back to the hotel and put it in the fridge with the idea that i would eat the rest later when i was all hungry and drunk after the show, but when we got back we just basically passed out (while watching shark week) (and then i woke up in the middle of the night to turn the a/c back on, i accidentally turned the heat on instead and it set the fire alarm off. true story!) and so it stayed in the fridge and made the hotel room smell like burrito every time we opened the door to get a drink, which was actually pretty nice and makes me think that glade should totally market "burrito" as a plug-in flavour. ahem, anyway. mmm, chipotle.
  6. waffle bar - so apparently, waffle bars are a thing. at least, they are a thing at hotels in the states or possibly even in canada, when they want to have more than a continental breakfast but they don't want to cook you eggs and bacon. there's this little batter dispenser that puts just enough batter in your little cup, and then you dump the contents of said cup into a little waffle iron and close it, then flip it over and it times you for 3 minutes or whatever, then you open it up to waffle-y goodness. so i made two of them and came back to the table and was all "OMG CORY I JUST MADE YOU DELICIOUS WAFFLES YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!" and cory was like "uh, yeah, i've made waffles in hotels before" all cool and everything as if making your own waffles at a hotel was not even a big deal. whatever. i should have eaten his fucking waffle.
  7. fair food - so you all know that i am basically obsessed with roller coasters, and this is the number one thing i love about theme parks. well, here's a secret: the number two thing i love about theme parks is fair food. here is a mini list of all the things we ate at valley fair:

    pronto pups, which are basically just like pogos!

    deep fried cheese curds!

    pork chop on a stick!

    fries and cheese sauce!

    i know it's so disgusting that we ate all that stuff (and so sad that i never actually ate a deep fried oreo cookie on a stick, after all the hype. there were just SO MANY THINGS ON STICKS!) but seriously, you guys, i did it all for you.
  8. oak city - so after we were at valleyfair! for like, seven hours, we decided to go back to the hotel for a couple of hours and dump all our water park stuff and come back and ride roller coasters in the dark. and we were all like, yay, red robin, red robin! and then we got back to the hotel and fell asleep on the bed while watching shark week (THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR GOING ON VACATION DURING SHARK WEEK!) and then woke up and were like, uh, red... robin? but then there was this restaurant in the bottom of the building across the street and we looked at the menu and they had burgers so we were like, sold!

    so the burger was pretty good, and it came with homemade pickles which were totally delicious, but the waiter was really mean to us (cory thinks it was because he read us all the specials and we didn't order any of them; i think it was because we only ordered burgers and no booze) and he basically screwed up our order and then totally ignored us, and so for the first time ever in the history of my life we left no tip and i'm a little scared that tip karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass but for reals he totally deserved it.
  9. sonic - so right before we fell asleep watching shark week, i went on the sonic website because i remembered seeing a billboard for one in camebridge and thought that maybe we could stop on the way home. but when i looked on the website it looked like it was fifteen minutes or so off the highway so i was like, oh well, forget it, and was sad. so the next day we were leaving our hotel and heading to ikea along a side road next to the interstate when all of a sudden THERE WAS A SONIC RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! apparently i am not as good at the internet as i thought i was. and so we drove in and it totally was a no-pressure order situation and a boy on roller blades brought a burger out to our car.


  10. kfc double down - yes. we did. and yes. it was delicious.

    chicken, bacon and cheese without all that pesky bun

    oh, you guys, i'm getting all teary just thinking about it. although that might just be grease leaking out of my eyeballs. sigh.

Monday, August 9, 2010

people who are super excited to go see step up 3d

  1. your twelve year old cousin.
  2. me! god, you go away for FOUR DAYS and this is what happens.

    this makes me the first person in the universe ever to post a national video and a flo rida video on the same day.

top one awesome video of the day

  1. in case you were wondering where we were, here you go:

    we're somewhere probably several feet behind the person taking the video (who was not me, by the way, although i did try to take pictures, which turned out all blurry and stupid). cory suggested that if i really wanted to recreate the real experience for you all, i should make a mash-up of this video with a video of two drunk girls parking themselves in front of us and yammering away through the whole song. drunk girls. what are you going to do? ps. we also went to valleyfair and ate a lot of amazing american fast food. as soon as i recover from my roller-coaster-and-cheeseburger hangover, i'll tell you all about it.

    Wednesday, August 4, 2010

    top 1 yes, yes, yes.

    Hello, internets. Amy and I are going on vacation tomorrow. So...here:

    Rock out with your cock out!

    (This just in: Brett Favre announces retirement, throws 2 interceptions during press conference. "Try not to throw any picks on your way through the parking lot," says Adrian Peterson.)

    Tuesday, August 3, 2010

    top ten things you didn't know about your gall bladder

    gimpy says "take care of your gall bladder! don't end up like me!"

    1. your gall bladder is a little sack between your liver and your intestines that store the bile that your liver produces until you need it to digest your food, and then releases it into your intestine in the proper quantities required.
    2. it basically sits in that little well above your belly button where your ribcage meets in the middle.
    3. sometimes, cholesterol or calcium builds up in there and forms what are known as gallstones, which are basically like little pearls of nastiness. gallstones can be little, like sand, or they can be big as golf balls there's lots of reasons why this could happen, but my father chooses to believe it is because you are on birth control and basically if you were just a little less promiscuous, you would remain happily gallstone-free.
    4. sometimes, they slip into the intestine and then it hurts. a lot, although because it feels exactly like really bad heartburn, sometimes you just think "hey, i just have really bad heartburn!" and so you take a zantac and you wait. the problem with the waiting is, there is nothing you can do to make yourself more comfortable, and the pain is pretty much relentless and can also make you vomit if you are prone to that sort of thing, so you just basically writhe around and vomit until the gallstone passes. then you're all "hey, awesome, the zantac worked!" and then you go on with your day. this can happen once, or a whole bunch of times in a row and not happen again for years, or it can happen every few weeks, mostly during important events.
    5. sometimes, the gallstones go the other way, into your bile duct that connects your gall bladder to your liver, and then there's nowhere for them to go. so they just stay there. and you wait for it to pass, and you wait, and you wait, and nothing happens, and it's your last day in thunder bay and you're trying to enjoy yourself and go to the coney and whatever, then you have to get on a plane from thunder bay to halifax feeling like you're going to die. then by the time you finally decide to go to the hospital, you're jaundiced and infected and dehydrated and your liver is basically failing, and you vomit into a garbage can that smells like tim horton's and they stick you on a bed in the hallway in emerg because they have no room for you, where you witness, among other things, a kid having a panic attack and nearly punching out his doctor, and get an eyeful of old man balls cause the dude coming towards you to go to the bathroom has put his little nightshirt thingie on backwards and the doctor who comes to treat you is about twelve and can't look you in the eye when he asks you about the colour and texture of your stools.
    6. then they give you dilauded, which hurts like fucking hell going in but then makes the rest of the hospital stay pretty much a blur. you think maybe there's an ultrasound and there's definitely something that goes down your throat that they have to take you on an ambulance to a second hospital in order to do. you can't eat anything and the drugs make it hard for you to pee, and you get stuck with needles a bunch and watch a lot of ten-dollar-a-day tv. your friends come to visit you and your mom brings you clean underwear. at least, you think it was your mom.
    7. you find out that the down-the-throat thing was to break up the gallstones so that they can take your gall bladder out lapriscopically. this means they pull out your deflated gall bladder through four little incisions rather than one big incision.
    8. once your gallstones are broken up and you are no longer dying, you will learn that gall bladder-ectomies are not really high on the surgery-priority list, and they will bump you day after day after day. but that's okay; even though you can't eat anything, you're on drugs and have a tv.
    9. eventually you will make it into surgery, they will take out your gall bladder, and then send you home with t3s. you will drink a bunch of boost and cry for the dilauded. no one will listen.
    10. all this happened two years ago today and guess what, gall bladder? I DO NOT MISS YOU AT ALL. but sometimes one of my scars still itches, the big one, in that little well above my belly button where my rib cages meet in the middle. and sometimes i wonder if all my other organs basically just sucked together to fill the space, or if there is a little gallbladder shaped hole inside me behind that scar. but most of the time i just don't think about it at all.

    top ten reasons you should watch so you think you can dance

    okay so you all already know why i watch this show: the dancing, obvs. but if you are trying to convince someone who doesn't give a shit about dancing to watch it -- say, like, your boyfriend or girlfriend (right, let's face it, boyfriend), you might want to try out one of these super compelling other reasons and see if any of them work. see if you can figure out which one worked on cory (hint: it's number one).
    1. the girls are all pretty hot. and even those who aren't hot usually wear these tight little booty shorts and do things like shove their crotches in their partner's faces. although whenever the promo package calls a piece "smouldering" or "sizzling" or whatever, it usually means that the girls look better in rehearsal than they do on stage, ie. for whatever reason the costume department has decided to put them in something silly, cause that's what costume departments do.
    2. even if you don't think the girls are hot, there is still the possibility that there will be some kind of spectacular wardrobe malfunction. okay, so it hasn't happened yet, but i've heard somewhere that anticipation is the purest form of pleasure.

      curse you, double-sided tape!

    3. the guys are also hot. although if that works on your boyfriend, you might have bigger problems than trying to get them to watch a stupid television show.
    4. mary murphy is not on the show any more. hence no more hot tamale train, ear-splitting screaming, or eye-splitting outfits. the downside of this is you have to listen to mia michaels talk about how dance is "not just an artform, but a heartform."
    5. even though she sometimes looks like she's wrapped up like a present under a christmas tree, cat deeley is totally the best host on television. sure, cory might want to find himself in the middle of a brooke burke/leah miller sandwich, but neither of those plastic, joker-faced bimbos (yes, you, leah miller. i'm talking about you) has half the charisma of even one of cat deeley's ridiculously long legs. she's got a british accent, a dorky laugh, basically towers over everyone, and does things like put twitches fake grill in her mouth seconds after he takes it out of his. i love you cat. i hope your stylist does better by you in the coming seasons, but i'm not holding my breath.
    6. also, adam shankman is the best judge on any reality show anywhere. he's basically a legend. i mean, he choreographed a spice girls tour! i don't know if it's possible to get any more awesome than that.
    7. you get to hear all the ridiculous new songs that the producers think might become big hits. sometimes they are right, sometimes, in the case of this song, which according to britney spears is the "song of the summer," i hope to fucking god they are wrong.

      this should have been a top one sign of the apocalypse of the day 
    8. sometimes they do use really good music. and then you feel really weird because there's this song you really like and play all the time on your ipod that you have to admit that you heard for the first time on sytycd. (side note: this is where i learn that every single sytycd video i have ever posted on this blog has been removed by dick clark. FUCK YOU, DICK! NOW I'M SAD!)
    9. people get hurt. like, all the time. i don't think a week went by this season without someone getting super injured in rehearsal, and if you're lucky they'll actually show you what happened. this should appeal to the shot-to-the-groin crowd. which, let's face it, is basically everyone.
    10. the dancing is actually really good. no jokes.